Narakus Great Problem
by kiss from a rose
Summary: Naraku has a great problem. What's his problem? And how can he solve it? R
1. Zee answer iz simple

Naraku fidgeted skittishly in his chair, all the while wondering what the hell he was doing there, for the upteenth time. Where was he exactly? Well, the Lunatic Pandora. Of course, he was sane. As far as pure evil being sane goes, that is. So why was he here? Simple, he needed help with a problem that had been bothering him since as long as he can remember. And the shrink was to help him. Yea, this is Narakus first time here. Let's hope him well.  
  
Then, a short plump man walked in. Calling Narakus' sense to attention, as he stopped fidgeting and sat up proper in his seat.  
  
"Well," The man began as he looked at a sheet. Searching for clients' name, "Naraku. What is zee promblem?"  
  
Naraku coughed nervously. He was never good at telling his problems. Mainly because he'd never had any, until now. "You see, Dr. Tashijan. I am a..villian, you can all it, for this so called Anime, which is my reality. And well, I think I am a pretty good one. But, I was looking at a few other great villians. And it seems that they all have..I do not know how to say this without me being a fool," Naraku chuckled uneasily,"But they seem to be....tragic."  
  
Dr. Tashijan stared at Naraku over his bottle cap glasses. A questioning look crossing momentarily over his face,"Tragic you zay? How iz that?"  
  
Naraku inhaled a gasp of air. So far, he was doing good, "What I mean is, they seem to be in..angst, and I am just...well, evil. And I have seen that people view others as great villians if they are tragic. So, I was wondering, how can I be in angst?"  
  
Dr. Tashijan fight the urge to laugh at his clients' pointless problem, but none the less, he gave...help, if you can call it that. "I see. Well, maybe you need a forbidden love."  
  
This intrigued Naraku, "Love? Do not be absurd! How can I? The great Naraku fall in love with some-...Go on."  
  
"You see, Mister Naraku. When one is to fall in love, and that love is forebidden, people seem to like it better."  
  
"Like the fool Inuyasha and that wench Kikyo."  
  
"Uh....sure, why not?" The psychiatrist smiled impishly.  
  
Naraku, finally understanding, responded,"So, what you are saying is that I should find a woman, claim her as mine, and kill her? And then people would view me as a tragic villian?"  
  
Dr. Tashijan fell aghast,"That iz not what I mea-"  
  
"Very well, I shall start interviewing suitable women tomorrow at dawn. Thank you for your services" Naraku said as he shook the plump mans' hand vigoriously,causing his glasses to fall and him to drop his papers.  
  
"You are welcome, that iztrue. But I still need-"  
  
"I will see you again once I become tired of you and kill you, Good Day." Came the hurried death threat from Naraku as he rushed out the door, a little too cheerful for him.  
  
"...What about my damn money?" The doctor sighed heavily as he pulled off the fake beard and crushed the also fake glasses. "Why do I do this? I put on a fake disguise, a fake accent, and give dumb people advice that even a monkey wouldn't take. AND I STILL DON'T GET PAID! That's it, I need a budlight." And with that, the so called psychiatrist slammed his door. 


	2. Onward, towards love and corny chapter t...

Naraku was exhausted the after the aforementioned dawn. He had interviewed a grand total of fifty women. Either they were too ugly,too nosy, too fat, too skinny, too pale, or already taken by another villian. Who knew Naraku was so picky?  
  
"I must find a woman soon. Maybe two. Or three, even. Hell, maybe I will go to men. I have to say, that Sesshomaru is very attractive..." He froze as he let that sentance hang in air. Slowly, his right eye began to twitch ever so slightly. He fell back, suddenly, with a cringe. "Why in the nine levels of Hell did I just think that?!" A gasp of laughter sounded from behind Naraku, who turned slightly to meet the face of Inuyasha, the cause of the laughter.  
  
"Oh, this is too grand. No wonder Kikyo ditched you! I can't believe.." He broke out into another gust of laughter. Which lasted for a good five minutes. Finally stopping, he wiped a tear from his eye. "This is pure blackmail." Inuyasha cackled while pointing a finger at his arch nemesis.  
  
"Blackmail?" Naraku arched an eyebrow. A plan forming in his malicious mind. "Why, Inuyasha, I never noticed how stunning you look while being devious." He took a step towards the half demon, stroking his left cheek, leaning in slightly."It gives me the sudden urge to-"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!(Did I overdo that?)" Inuyasha broke out of Narakus grasp and took off running into the forest. Never to look back.  
  
Naraku smirked victoriously. "That should keep him away for a good weeks worth..But, he did kind of looked striking.." Naraku literally slapped himself, leaving a ten point hand print neatly on his right cheek. "I really need to stop thinking like that. I am turning out to be a sodimite..." He spent twenty minutes ranting about how he couldn't believe he did that, but how clever it was and yadda yadda yadda. You get it.  
  
Narakus voiced thoughts were interrupted by, yet again, Inuyasha.  
  
"Did you know this forest goes in a circle?" Inuyasha asked, out of breath.  
  
Clueless, Naraku shook his head. And really, he did not know that.  
  
"Oh, well, it does," Inuyasha inhaled deeply, then.."AHHHHH!!!!" And off he went.  
  
Still dumbfounded, Naraku shook his head, sadly. "They could have gotten me a better rival. But no, that would have cost extra.." He took a look around him. "Hum..I wonder where that wench Kikyo is, well...very attractive wench...Or where that pathetic girl who follows Inuyasha is..." He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes, his hope somewhat fading. "I guess I will look for the monk. He seems to have a past with women, and is trained with them. Perhaps he could lend me a few tips. (No, not that way you dirty minded hentai!) He gritted his teeth of the thought. He hated asking for help, it made him overly cheerful.  
  
He looked up and, yet again, saw Inuyasha. In return, the half demon gave him a confused puppy look. Sighing, Naraku pointed South of where he was. "Keep going straight for a mile, then turn left near the tree with bodies around it. That will lead you out of here."  
  
Saluting, Inuyasha bounded off. Our dear villian closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, soothingly, trying to ease the pain of a on coming migrain. Muttering to himself, he let his head hit the tree he was leaning against. Putting a emphasis on every word he spoke. "Where is a bloody gun when needed..." 


	3. Guns and Prozac

Our little Narakus quest for the monk was long and periless. He was faced eith many questions and foreboding results. Such as; "What if I ask that man with a bottle of rum for a gun?" "Should I wear boxers or briefs today?" "Where is that God foresaken Monk?!" And, sometimes he wondered why a guilt trip never worked on the ladies. "I thought what we had was special....*tear*"  
  
So, here we find our...um...villero (Villian/Hero)...Haha, villero...*Coughs* Sorry about that...Anywho, Naraku is awaiting his order, back at the psychiatrist. And his patience was getting thinner by each ticking second. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-to-SMASH, went the clock.  
  
"That's it..." Naraku snarled as he marched up to this receptionist desk with a weird smiley face woman sitting behind it. "You.." He said in a low, threatining voice. "You did this to me!"  
  
The girl only blinked in confusion, "Did what, Sir?"  
  
Narakus anger rose. "Wh-what?! This!" He yelled as he pointed to the annilihated clock. "You drove me to this! It was a clock..An innocent clock! WHY?!"  
  
"Oh, you're the one who needs prozac, huh?"  
  
"....Are you stalking me?"  
  
"Of course not." The girl said in defense, but she was actually thinking, 'Yea, so what? You're on everyones Hit List. Should it be a damned surprise?'  
  
"Oh, alright....WHERE IS MY PROZAC!!!!!???"  
  
"...It should be here, any minute now. Sooner or later. Yup, just you wait.."  
  
The demon slowly pulled a gun from behind his back. "I need my prozac. I hope you know that."  
  
The young girl nodded. Unusually calm for someone who had a gun pointed at their head.  
  
"Good. So when I pull this trigger, it won't be murder. "  
  
"Sir."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your prozac's here."  
  
Narakus eyes light up with false happiness. "Oh, goodie," Sarcasm dripped from every word, "Now, I can act like a medication freak on happy happy joy joy pills. Weee."  
  
"That'll be $36.79"  
  
He dug around in his pocket. "Hum..Here we are." Turning quickly, he begin to walk towards the door.  
  
"Wait! This is only 60 cents...."  
  
Naraku looked up. "Why yes, yes it is. I'm so glad you can count."  
  
"I need $36.79."  
  
"..I'll pay you later."  
  
".....Excuse me?"  
  
"Need I repeat myself?"  
  
"GIVE ME THE DAMN MONEY!!!!!" She yelled as she jumped over the counter. Naraku, already having a plan, whipped out the metallic pistol, waving it in front of the girls face.  
  
" IF YOU DO NOT.....Ooooh, shiny...I want to-"  
  
"DON'T TOUCH IT!!!!" He hollered as his eyes widen in fury. Stroking the pistol, he backed out the door.  
  
The girl lowered her head. Then began cackling insanely, holding up a $100 bill that she had swiped from him, somehow, someway. We do not know how. So don't ask. "What a moron..." 


End file.
